I've been meaning to blog for sometime, but just when I think I have a good grasp on what I want to say, something else happens and I end up being like, "Eh, stuff it...it's not current enough to blog about." So, I'm gonna try and write this one extra super quick so that nothing else happens before I can finish :p
Here's what's new:
1. Red lipstick.I have started wearing it and it is off the heezy, yo. It makes me feel more confident ( a big plus when trying to close sales!) and my lips look good with it on, so win-win! Every girl should try it :)
2. Book Release Date! Ahhhhh! This one's a biggie, cuz, well, I'm getting published after 5 years of hard work, tears, self doubt, and let's admit it, LAZINESS. If you haven't seen a picture of the cover, well, here it is! The release date is Sept 23rd, but you can order it now by clicking on the photo :) As we get closer to events like book signings, etc then I will be posting about them on FB on my author page.
3. Moving. Again. Guh. How many times have I moaned and groaned about having to be in a transitional stage in the short life of this blog? Who knows...BUT, it's happening. I'm moving into a two bedroom apt on 32nd and Lyndale with a punk fashionista production assistant (whom I am currently living with, amongst others) and her cat Ted. Here's a picture of us from a year ago...how's that for a Fairly Odd Couple? It's going to be grand :)
4. RIP, Grandma Langham. Unfortunately, my mom's mother passed away on the 28th of June. It was not fun news to hear, but was not surprising by any means. My dear old Granny Langham had been suffering for some years with Lewy Body Dementia, and it took her quietly in her sleep that Saturday morning. Prayers would be appreciated for my mother, uncle and grandfather as they conduct the funeral and other proceedings this coming weekend.
I think those are the top four things happening right now. There's always something going on in this funny old life of mine, so good luck keeping up ;p
So, I'm been doing a lot of writing lately. I'm working on two screenplays, one short story, one collection of short stories, and one fan fiction. Since working a regular schedule (which I love!), however, I've not been able to do as much as I'd like. This has caused me to become both grateful and frustrated. Someone asked me why it's so hard to write...all it is "typing stuff 'til it sounds good." Ha ha, lady, ha ha.
Most of you readers are savvy, creative (in some way) individuals, so this post is more for laughs than anything. I have taken a bunch of selfies to illustrate my emotions at any given time while writing.
WARNING: These images may be overwhelming for those with lack of humor. If you are worried that you may laugh, DO NOT PROCEED. You wouldn't want to be happy for no reason.
Ladies and Gents, I give you...
"Portrait of the Young Author as a Lunatic: The Collection"
"So many things, so many thingsss to doooooo....."
"You dah gurl, Self...that was a rocking sentence."
"Ahhhhhhh! That sounds so terrible!!! Now I'm gonna have to rewrite the whole freakin' thang!"
"Sigh, that's cute...I'm so in love with this work. I could do this forever and forever!"
"No thoughts are in my brain. Pull face. Wake up. Writing to do. Guh!"
As a wonderful man once said (okay, it was my buddy Tim...but he's pretty wonderful!):
How ya doin'? How YOU doin'? Pat yourself on the back if you just heard Joey from FRIENDS when you read that second sentence. I'm doin' ok. LOVING the rain that is sweeping through the Cities. Also awesome about today and tomorrow? I have those suckers off.
Two days to sit in a coffee shop and be whimsical and dream about being married to Liam Hemsworth...*sigh*
Wait, wait...you didn't read that, did you?
Yeah, you did...whatever. Since when am I shy about my crushes?
NEVER, that's when.
Anyways, today has been pretty ok. Having some anxiety issues, but after a doctor's appointment confirming my concerns about having to go back on meds (and reducing my shifts to six hours/day for a couple of weeks..."Yaaay!" but "Naaay!"), I feel a lot better. I'm not someone that enjoys being on meds (not because I have adverse effects but because I don't like the idea of chemically altering my body), however I understand that I'm not the only one who suffers when I'm NOT on meds, so back on the meds I go!
I gave this post the title "Anxiety Games" because a) I just watched both the Hunger Games movies and I thought it was sort of witty (emphasis on the "sort of" being highly necessary), and b) because I really do feel like having an anxiety disorder IS kind of like your body toying with you. For example:
1. Feeling absolutely fine, eating healthily, exercising and still having the shakes. It's like my body's trying to fake me into believing that there's nothing wrong, and yet, BOOM! My body is shaking. Je t'accuse, body! Je t'accuse!
2. Racing thoughts/not being able to fall asleep. I know a lot of people (my father, for example) can live on 4-5 hrs of sleep a day, but not this gal! In case you didn't know, us under 25-ers need at least 7 hrs. SO no, body, you can't have my mind for two hours once I'm in bed. Not allowed. And yet somehow, my body wins.
3. Talking WAY too much. I'm an extrovert as it is, so I could talk for England anyway. Add being anxious, and that usual babbling brook of conversation is all of a sudden transformed into Niagara Falls. It's evident on the faces of everyone that I get into conversation with, and that SUCKS. I usually just end up not talking as much when I'm having a tough day...too scared to release the Kraken. Ha.
4. Lack of focus/Impulsivity. At times I find that I have so many things going on in my head that I pressured to make a decision RIGHT AWAY as opposed to giving myself some time to let it simmer. Enter: Money issues I've been having my whole life.
I could go on, but who wants to be dumped on? Nobody. And I'm sorry if that's how you feel...not at all my intention. I just want to shed light on some of my struggles because I'm sure if you're reading this (and especially if you're a woman) you've probably experienced these even if you don't have anxiety, so we're most likely on the same page :)
One of my first posts on this blog was about knowing what inspires you and how you can feel encouraged. Check it out if you haven't read it, it might brighten up your day...especially if today's a doozey.
Sorry it's been a while...I kinda sorta got HIRED.
I am so SO grateful to be employed again after an agonizing 6 months. Not only am I employed, but I am employed in a position that I really truly enjoy. I had training for two weeks, then starting working the position on Sunday. I worked Sunday thru Wed (Tues and Wed were 12 hr shifts) and I STILL enjoyed going in. I have never felt excited to go into work, and I feel so blessed to be hired in a place of employ where I actually DO enjoy going in.
In other not-so-nice news, our plumbing is El Grosso. The drain in our bathtub (and the only functioning shower of the two in the house) keeps getting blocked and pushing the water back up to overflow into the basin. We have had our landlord bring someone in once, and then when it happened again, the landlord came to try and fix it himself. When the plumber came in the first time, he said that it was the actual pipes, and that the landlord wouldn't fix it. This angered me, but none of our other roommates felt that it was that big of a deal so I left it. (I suppose it should be known that I am the one that makes the "mean" or "no fun" calls to the landlord if we have an issue. This is fine by me...I really kind of like being the bad guy sometimes).
So this morning after one of the girls had taken a shower, I went down to take one myself. I go into the bathroom and noticed that one of my shampoo bottles had been knocked onto the floor somehow. I picked it up, pulled back the shower curtain, and was disgusted by what I saw: Hair. Everywhere. Initially I thought that one of the girls I live with (who shaves half her head regularly...sounds weirder than it looks...truly!) had neglected to wash out the basin after she shaved. I was angry at her and stormed upstairs to talk to the roommate who had just gotten out of the shower (NOT the girl who shaves her head) and asked her whether she had texted the girl about how gross it was. She looked at me, surprised. As I inquired further, she explained to me that it wasn't our roommate's fault, that the water had pushed the hairs back up while she was showering. Feeling somewhat embarrassed (and relieved that I hadn't texted the gal with a nasty message about how disgusting the tub looked), I decided to call the land lord.
To say that I was angry was an understatement...I was livid. I was shaking all over. Now, let it be known that I have been dubbed "The Queen of Overreaction" by my family, but still! Having to call a THIRD time for the same problem? Ridiculous. I left a message, stating that if he did not fix the problem asap, that we would have to take action.
After all this I was not only riled up, I was still greasy-haired because I couldn't bear to take a shower in such a gross environment. I got dressed, grabbed my phone, and took a walk around the block to cool off. As I turned a corner (I was having a great conversation with The Doctor...sad but true insight into my life), I noticed something that nearly caused me to burst into tears. Here's a picture:
There were beautiful, blue flowers growing out of a trashed lawn. It made me realize that even beautiful things can grow out of the garbage, that even trash can be fertile ground from which flowers can spring.
The apartment's plumbing problem in the scope of things is really not that bad, is it? :)
I'm still gonna make sure he fixes it properly this time...
Currently, I am surrounded by wonderful, creative people who are just loving on and supporting an artist that they love. One woman's effort has resulted in multiple creations, and that beauty has drawn people to the pieces. All this beauty has caused me to feel somewhat romantic, so here's a cozy little vignette for you :)
Untitled Vignette
The sun is starting to set outside, causing the intersection of Lyndale and 34th to be drenched in hues of purples and pinks. The light bulbs in the coffee house flood the interior with a golden illumination. All this compliments the burnt orange that the walls have been donning since the place opened. People are laughing, chatting, pointing and appreciating. My friend is showing her art tonight, and she is glowing. Her pieces (memories depicted in bright colors and unique lines) are flying off the walls (6 of 8 were sold before the event even started) and she would not be slow to admit that she's enjoying it.
I am flanked by the voices of strangers and friends. Happy, serious, hushed, and exclaimed. The father of the artist pushes through the crowd of hipster coffee drinkers and comments on the difference in temperature between the two opposite ends of the store: "You should feel the temperature of this end! It's like ten degrees colder!" I smiled and nodded my reply. This piece was important. However instead of leaving as I expected him to, he addressed me further and in a jovial, sarcastic tone. "I bet you're getting a ton of work done, eh?" He laughed warmly. I was getting work done, actually. For an extrovert like myself, the subtle chatter and loving interactions formed a perfect environment to spark my creativity.
I look around, sometimes catching parts of conversations, sometimes snatching a smile.The light outside has transitioned from a pinkish purple to a dark lilac. The night is slowly walking towards us, and the room becomes a little less vibrant. The lights grow harsher against the ever darkening canvas outside, but I do not feel as though my unusually quiet presence is unwelcome or out of place. A couple hugs in the center of the aisle before browsing a few more of the pieces on display. I smile at the predicament in which I have found myself. I am happy. I am writing. I am in love with the life I am currently living.
Is this not what makes life beautiful?
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Thoughts and comments welcome! Have a wonderful weekend friends! Peace and love!
Hey friends! This one's a bit of a heavy one, so grab your Kleenex.
I just finished viewing Girl, Interrupted. It has come on my radar many times, partially because it's a classic, and partially due to coincidence.
Before I go on, I do have to stress that there are many possible triggers in this film, and so if you have triggers of any kind, don't watch it. The film deals with very serious and very real issues, even if it is Hollywood. Respect yourself and don't watch it if you're worried you could be set off by something.
Moving on, the poster (one version of many can be seen below) makes it seem like a horror movie. Indulge me for a moment as I launch on a display of pseudo-knowledgeable-of- psychology expression.
We see an image of a girl, her eye wide and frightened/surprised. Initially, we wonder what she's seeing, and then start to think that we probably don't want to even if we could. We see the title in an honest, "handwritten" font, and the poster appears to have been torn in the center like paper in order for there to be space for the title. Keep moving down though, and you see her lips. You realize that she's actually not afraid. If she was, her mouth would probably be open...even if it was a little bit, we'd believe her fear, that she was frightened. Her mouth isn't open though, is it? It's closed...almost puckered. This girl is in control of what she's feeling. So why are her eyes so open? Why are we a little on edge when we see the poster?
Before we go into all that, let me tell a little about the movie in case you haven't had the pleasure of viewing it. Girl, Interrupted is about Susanna Klaysen (Winona Ryder), a young woman (probably 17 or 18 since we are told she had just graduated high school) in the 1960's who attempts suicide. She is hoping to be a writer (we're always going about making a good name for ourselves in the writing field, aren't we?), and so doesn't apply for university. She is constantly reminded of the fact that she is a failure (be it by parents, teachers or society), and is told by her principle that she is the only graduating student in her class NOT going to college. After attempting suicide, she is admitted to Claymoore, a private mental hospital for borderline personality disorder and the suicide attempt. She quickly realizes how well she is doing in comparison to her fellow patients. The film documents the ins and outs of her personal journey at Claymoore, and the relationships she develops (particularly with a long term resident, the sociopathic Lisa played by Angelina Jolie).
Pretty standard set up for the genre, yes? Yes.
In many ways, the movie is predictable. One of the characters die, Susanna tries to escape Claymoore, and SPOILER, she gets out in the end. But to me, this movie was more than that. I have been pretty up front with you guys regarding my battles with depression. I am this way not because I am seeking praise or hand outs, nor do I think I have it worse than anyone else. To be honest, I have had it pretty good compared to many. I had people calling me every day, asking me to tell them about my struggles that day and sharing a verse or two that came to mind when they were praying for me. I was on meds for awhile, and I had the support of wonderful people. Once, one of my friends LITERALLY pulled me out of bed (I was sleeping up to 18 hrs at a time at that point), shoved me into the shower and made me come to lunch with her. She knows who she is, and I am forever indebted to her. That's what friends do for those they love. I either cried all day, or felt numb and honestly didn't give a sh*t about anything. I allowed myself to be used for my kind heart (I bought groceries for a couple of potheads I knew from class ALL the time...whenever they asked. I didn't realize how bad it was until I got called one night and was asked to order a pizza for them and I wasn't even in the same town! I rejected them, don't worry; I wasn't that gone), and I threw myself into a relationship that was never gonna work but I pursued it because it made me feel special...sometimes. Not everyone got to see me that way, not even family...but it happened. I was able to fake emotions most of the time, so I think most people thought I just had bad hygiene since I rarely showered.
Watching Girl, Interrupted made me remember the times when I felt the things that some of the girls in the film talked about. I was never suicidal, but I understood a lot of the things that they talked about. For example: "But I know what it's like...How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't."
OR
"Susanna: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Dr. Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
Dr. Wick: On the contrary, Susanna. Ambivalence suggests strong feelings... in opposition. The prefix, as in "ambidextrous," means "both." The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigor." The word suggests that you are torn... between two opposing courses of action.
"Dr. Wick: Quis hic locus?, quae regio?, quae mundi plaga? What world is this?... What kingdom?... What shores of what worlds? It's a very big question you're faced with, Susanna. The *choice* of your *life*. How much will you indulge in your flaws? What are your flaws? Are they flaws?... If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospital?... for life? Big questions, big decisions! Not surprising you profess carelessness about them."
After getting over the relief that I was never so bad I had to be admitted, I realized how much I have going for me. That, even if my life ended tomorrow, I would have lived a good life. I have traveled, I am loved. I am publishing a book, and am still not perfect. It's cheesy, but why live if you don't have things to look forward to? To work on and be able to stand back and congratulate yourself on a job well done once you are successful?
I often ask myself if there's something wrong with me. Why do I never finish goals I set for myself? Why am I still overweight? Why don't I have a boyfriend? A job? But I don't think these things make me crazy or not worth anything...I think it means I have a life to live; that there are things to work on and be thankful for. Susanna Klaysen's face looks the way it does because her eyes have been opened to a new life, much like my own have been. I have gone from being a Girl, Interrupted to Girl, Envisioned. It's not fun most of the time, and I will never forget the battles. I'll continue to talk about them, whether you like it or not. I'm not here to please anyone's ears, and I'm used to being told that I talk too much or do not act the way I should. Maybe I'll mellow out in time, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll win a Pulitzer prize AND get admitted one day (I hope not, but stranger things have happened!). My point is, I'm grateful. For everything. I'm grateful for the struggle, and I'm grateful for the pain. It makes my the bright moments brighter, and the people in my life that much more precious.
I'm glad Susanna got out...even if people thought it cheesy.
We often go about our day being upset about something. Maybe someone hurt you, or you made a mistake that can't be fixed by anyone. News flash: You're not alone in that. Sorry that you're struggling, but you're not alone. Do me a favor and hold my hand. Let's jump off the Self-Pity Bandwagon together and ask: What I am grateful for?
As a struggling author, I often wonder why I continue writing. I am constantly starting things and not finishing them. My work always starts off great then I usually lose interest or get frustrated, resulting in my laptop's Document folder becoming a graveyard of unfinished possibilities.
One of the biggest sources of personal pride for me is my finished novel, Out of the Eater. It took me five years to complete (I started it in high school as a junior and didn't complete it until I was a sophomore in college), but it's finished and now on it's way to being published. Every time I struggle with a project, I try and be patient with myself and remind myself that I have written a book. Sometimes that helps, other times it doesn't.
I am one of those irritatingly impatient people. If something doesn't get done by a deadline I have set for myself, I just want to drag the file of the text I'm working on over to the Trash and be done with it forever. My therapist says I may have adult ADD, but I think I just need to apply myself.
In order to address these frustrations, I've looked up ways to help me focus. I've found everything from taking a Facebook break every twenty minutes, to doing a chore when your brain is starting to shut down (or in my case, bubble over from overload!). As I scoured the internet for studies (old habits from an ex-Psych major) and blog suggestions, I remembered an old junior high school science of mine, Mr. S. Mr. S was a very eccentric man, but also very imaginative and supportive of his students. He was the head of D:I at our school, and even defended my group from a crazed mother when she visited us after we kicked her daughter out for not pulling her weight. He made us listen to "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash over and over again (I can't remember why now...it was relevant at the time), and did a fill-in-the-blank bonus section on every test which were actually lyrics to "Galaxy Song" by Monty Python.
Yup, he was pretty awesome. Anyways, the reason I thought of Mr. S was because he required that we find a trinket of some sort (could be a rock, could be a tiny action figure) that we could study and take tests with. He actually docked points if you didn't have your trinket on your desk on test day!
This caused me to think: If contact with a physical object could help you focus, could a virtual item help with focusing as well?
I decided to test the theory with two different ideas. First with a photo, then with a song.
When choosing a photo, I tried to think of something that I would enjoy looking at, but that wouldn't be distracting. What made me relaxed? What colors were easy on the eyes? I decided on this photo of Benedict Cumberbatch in period dress:
Nice, right? Those who know me are rolling their eyes...bear with me, folks. The more I looked at the image, the more I realized how much I wanted it to come to fruition (Benedict, a non-believing man that I love and respect is preaching the Word to a group of people)...that was why I liked it so much. Also, the scenery and photo composition is absolutely beautiful. Unfortunately, despite the photo's aesthetic and what it represented to me, I quickly realized that the image was too large to focus on...too many details. So I cropped it to look like this:
Not only did this version help me see the details of Bene's costume, but it was easier to take in and have as a side-by-side with Word, like so:
I tried writing with this method for a few weeks, and it was very helpful. But then I realized I had been listening to music the whole time, and was kind of bummed because I realized that my "data" was now poisoned and would have to throw it out. Had I been thinking, I would've only used the image...no music.
A little disappointed but not put off, I started testing the music theory.
I started by building a playlist of no more than 10 songs. They didn't have a central theme other than the fact that I enjoyed them. There fast and slow songs, and they branched every genre from club/dance music to jazz and acoustic tunes.
FINDING: It didn't work. I was too distracted by the changing tempos and feels that the music selections conveyed. So, in a last ditch effort, I tried listening the same track over, and over, and over again. I attached a different song to each project I was working on, and tried my darnedest not to stray from them.
IT WORKED WONDERFULLY.
And the best thing about it was, some of them were the most random songs; they were completely unrelated to the feel of the work (most of the time), and I was so productive! I was writing and editing 6 or 7 pages a day, whereas prior to the experiment I would complete 2 or 3 at best! It wasn't a big change, but it was a significant one!
Just for kicks and giggles, here are a few of the songs I've used:
1. "Evacuate the Dance Floor" by Cascada (WARNING: Some inappropriate lyrics present):
2. "Young and Beautiful" Cover by Postmodern Jukebox:
3. "Sweet Pea" by Amos Lee:
4. "The Growl" by Conway:
Do you have any techniques that you swear by to help you focus? Let me know by putting them in a comment! Have a great day, guys!
