The Anxiety Games

Hey all-

How ya doin'? How YOU doin'? Pat yourself on the back if you just heard Joey from FRIENDS when you read that second sentence. I'm doin' ok. LOVING the rain that is sweeping through the Cities. Also awesome about today and tomorrow? I have those suckers off.

Two days to sit in a coffee shop and be whimsical and dream about being married to Liam Hemsworth...*sigh*

Wait, wait...you didn't read that, did you?

Yeah, you did...whatever. Since when am I shy about my crushes?

NEVER, that's when.

Anyways, today has been pretty ok. Having some anxiety issues, but after a doctor's appointment confirming my concerns about having to go back on meds (and reducing my shifts to six hours/day for a couple of weeks..."Yaaay!" but "Naaay!"), I feel a lot better. I'm not someone that enjoys being on meds (not because I have adverse effects but because I don't like the idea of chemically altering my body), however I understand that I'm not the only one who suffers when I'm NOT on meds, so back on the meds I go!

I gave this post the title "Anxiety Games" because a) I just watched both the Hunger Games movies and I thought it was sort of witty (emphasis on the "sort of" being highly necessary), and b) because I really do feel like having an anxiety disorder IS kind of like your body toying with you. For example:

1. Feeling absolutely fine, eating healthily, exercising and still having the shakes. It's like my body's trying to fake me into believing that there's nothing wrong, and yet, BOOM! My body is shaking. Je t'accuse, body! Je t'accuse!

2. Racing thoughts/not being able to fall asleep. I know a lot of people (my father, for example) can live on 4-5 hrs of sleep a day, but not this gal! In case you didn't know, us under 25-ers need at least 7 hrs. SO no, body, you can't have my mind for two hours once I'm in bed. Not allowed. And yet somehow, my body wins.

 

3. Talking WAY too much. I'm an extrovert as it is, so I could talk for England anyway. Add being anxious, and that usual babbling brook of conversation is all of a sudden transformed into Niagara Falls. It's evident on the faces of everyone that I get into conversation with, and that SUCKS. I usually just end up not talking as much when I'm having a tough day...too scared to release the Kraken. Ha. 

 

4. Lack of focus/Impulsivity. At times I find that I have so many things going on in my head that I pressured to make a decision RIGHT AWAY as opposed to giving myself some time to let it simmer. Enter: Money issues I've been having my whole life.

I could go on, but who wants to be dumped on? Nobody. And I'm sorry if that's how you feel...not at all my intention. I just want to shed light on some of my struggles because I'm sure if you're reading this (and especially if you're a woman) you've probably experienced these even if you don't have anxiety, so we're most likely on the same page :) 

One of my first posts on this blog was about knowing what inspires you and how you can feel encouraged. Check it out if you haven't read it, it might brighten up your day...especially if today's a doozey. 

This may also help:

Have a luverly day, friends!

Even Trash Can Be Fertile

Hey all!

Sorry it's been a while...I kinda sorta got HIRED.

I am so SO grateful to be employed again after an agonizing  6 months. Not only am I employed, but I am employed in a position that I really truly enjoy. I had training for two weeks, then starting working the position on Sunday. I worked Sunday thru Wed (Tues and Wed were 12 hr shifts) and I STILL enjoyed going in. I have never felt excited to go into work, and I feel so blessed to be hired in a place of employ where I actually DO enjoy going in.

In other not-so-nice news, our plumbing is El Grosso. The drain in our bathtub (and the only functioning shower of the two in the house) keeps getting blocked and pushing the water back up to overflow into the basin. We have had our landlord bring someone in once, and then when it happened again, the landlord came to try and fix it himself. When the plumber came in the first time, he said that it was the actual pipes, and that the landlord wouldn't fix it. This angered me, but none of our other roommates felt that it was that big of a deal so I left it. (I suppose it should be known that I am the one that makes the "mean" or "no fun" calls to the landlord if we have an issue. This is fine by me...I really kind of like being the bad guy sometimes).

So this morning after one of the girls had taken a shower, I went down to take one myself. I go into the bathroom and noticed that one of my shampoo bottles had been knocked onto the floor somehow. I picked it up, pulled back the shower curtain, and was disgusted by what I saw: Hair. Everywhere. Initially I thought that one of the girls I live with (who shaves half her head regularly...sounds weirder than it looks...truly!) had neglected to wash out the basin after she shaved. I was angry at her and stormed upstairs to talk to the roommate who had just gotten out of the shower (NOT the girl who shaves her head) and asked her whether she had texted the girl about how gross it was. She looked at me, surprised. As I inquired further, she explained to me that it wasn't our roommate's fault, that the water had pushed the hairs back up while she was showering. Feeling somewhat embarrassed (and relieved that I hadn't texted the gal with a nasty message about how disgusting the tub looked), I decided to call the land lord.

To say that I was angry was an understatement...I was livid. I was shaking all over. Now, let it be known that I have been dubbed "The Queen of Overreaction" by my family, but still! Having to call a THIRD time for the same problem? Ridiculous. I left a message, stating that if he did not fix the problem asap, that we would have to take action.

After all this I was not only riled up, I was still greasy-haired because I couldn't bear to take a shower in such a gross environment. I got dressed, grabbed my phone, and took a walk around the block to cool off. As I turned a corner (I was having a great conversation with The Doctor...sad but true insight into my life), I noticed something that nearly caused me to burst into tears. Here's a picture:

There were beautiful, blue flowers growing out of a trashed lawn. It made me realize that even beautiful things can grow out of the garbage, that even trash can be fertile ground from which flowers can spring.

The apartment's plumbing problem in the scope of things is really not that bad, is it? :)

I'm still gonna make sure he fixes it properly this time...

Peace and love, y'all!

A Vignette of the Good Life...Really.

Hello, friends!

         Currently, I am surrounded by wonderful, creative people who are just loving on and supporting an artist that they love. One woman's effort has resulted in multiple creations, and that beauty has drawn people to the pieces. All this beauty has caused me to feel somewhat romantic, so here's a cozy little vignette for you :)

Untitled Vignette

The sun is starting to set outside, causing the intersection of Lyndale and 34th to be drenched in hues of purples and pinks. The light bulbs in the coffee house flood the interior with a golden illumination. All this compliments the burnt orange that the walls have been donning since the place opened. People are laughing, chatting, pointing and appreciating. My friend is showing her art tonight, and she is glowing. Her pieces (memories depicted in bright colors and unique lines) are flying off the walls (6 of 8 were sold before the event even started)  and she would  not be slow to admit that she's enjoying it.

I am flanked by the voices of strangers and friends. Happy, serious, hushed, and exclaimed. The father of the artist pushes through the crowd of hipster coffee drinkers and comments on the difference in temperature between the two opposite ends of the store: "You should feel the temperature of this end! It's like ten degrees colder!" I smiled and nodded my reply. This piece was important. However instead of leaving as I expected him to, he addressed me further and in a jovial, sarcastic tone. "I bet you're getting a ton of work done, eh?" He laughed warmly. I was getting work done, actually. For an extrovert like myself, the subtle chatter and loving interactions formed a perfect environment to spark my creativity.

I look around, sometimes catching parts of conversations, sometimes snatching a smile.The light outside has transitioned from a pinkish purple to a dark lilac. The night is slowly walking towards us, and the room becomes a little less vibrant. The lights grow harsher against the ever darkening canvas outside, but I do not feel as though my unusually quiet presence is unwelcome or out of place. A couple hugs in the center of the aisle before browsing a few more of the pieces on display. I smile at the predicament in which I have found myself. I am happy. I am writing. I am in love with the life I am currently living.

Is this not what makes life beautiful?

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Thoughts and comments welcome! Have a wonderful weekend friends! Peace and love!