Girl, Envisioned.

Hey friends! This one's a bit of a heavy one, so grab your Kleenex.
      
       I just finished viewing Girl, Interrupted. It has come on my radar many times, partially because it's a classic, and partially due to coincidence.

Before I go on, I do have to stress that there are many possible triggers in this film, and so if you have triggers of any kind, don't watch it. The film deals with very serious and very real issues, even if it is Hollywood. Respect yourself and don't watch it if you're worried you could be set off by something.

Moving on, the poster (one version of many can be seen below) makes it seem like a horror movie. Indulge me for a moment as I launch on a display of pseudo-knowledgeable-of- psychology expression.

         We see an image of a girl, her eye wide and frightened/surprised. Initially, we wonder what she's seeing, and then start to think that we probably don't want to even if we could. We see the title in an honest, "handwritten" font, and the poster appears to have been torn in the center like paper in order for there to be space for the title. Keep moving down though, and you see her lips. You realize that she's actually not afraid. If she was, her mouth would probably be open...even if it was a little bit, we'd believe her fear, that she was frightened. Her mouth isn't open though, is it? It's closed...almost puckered. This girl is in control of what she's feeling. So why are her eyes so open? Why are we a little on edge when we see the poster?
        Before we go into all that, let me tell a little about the movie in case you haven't had the pleasure of viewing it. Girl, Interrupted is about Susanna Klaysen (Winona Ryder), a young woman (probably 17 or 18 since we are told she had just graduated high school) in the 1960's who attempts suicide. She is hoping to be a writer (we're always going about making a good name for ourselves in the writing field, aren't we?), and so doesn't apply for university. She is constantly reminded of the fact that she is a failure (be it by parents, teachers or society), and is told by her principle that she is the only graduating student in her class NOT going to college. After attempting suicide, she is admitted to Claymoore, a private mental hospital for borderline personality disorder and the suicide attempt. She quickly realizes how well she is doing in comparison to her fellow patients. The film documents the ins and outs of her personal journey at Claymoore, and the relationships she develops (particularly with a long term resident, the sociopathic Lisa played by Angelina Jolie).
       Pretty standard set up for the genre, yes? Yes.
In many ways, the movie is predictable. One of the characters die, Susanna tries to escape Claymoore, and SPOILER, she gets out in the end.  But to me, this movie was more than that.
       I have been pretty up front with you guys regarding my battles with depression. I am this way not because I am seeking praise or hand outs, nor do I think I have it worse than anyone else. To be honest, I have had it pretty good compared to many. I had people calling me every day, asking me to tell them about my struggles that day and sharing a verse or two that came to mind when they were praying for me. I was on meds for awhile, and I had the support of wonderful people. Once, one of my friends LITERALLY pulled me out of bed (I was sleeping up to 18 hrs at a time at that point), shoved me into the shower and made me come to lunch with her. She knows who she is, and I am forever indebted to her. That's what friends do for those they love. I either cried all day, or felt numb and honestly didn't give a sh*t about anything.  I allowed myself to be used for my kind heart (I bought groceries for a couple of potheads I knew from class ALL the time...whenever they asked. I didn't realize how bad it was until I got called one night and was asked to order a pizza for them and I wasn't even in the same town! I rejected them, don't worry; I wasn't that gone), and I threw myself into a relationship that was never gonna work but I pursued it because it made me feel special...sometimes. Not everyone got to see me that way, not even family...but it happened. I was able to fake emotions most of the time, so I think most people thought I just had bad hygiene since I rarely showered.
      Watching Girl, Interrupted made me remember the times when I felt the things that some of the girls in the film talked about. I was never suicidal, but I understood a lot of the things that they talked about. For example:

"But I know what it's like...How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't."

 OR

"Susanna: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.

Dr. Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?

Susanna: I don't care.

Dr. Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...

Susanna: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.

Dr. Wick: On the contrary, Susanna. Ambivalence suggests strong feelings... in opposition. The prefix, as in "ambidextrous," means "both." The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigor." The word suggests that you are torn... between two opposing courses of action.

Susanna: Will I stay or will I go?

Dr. Wick: Am I sane... or, am I crazy?

Susanna: Those aren't courses of action.

Dr. Wick: They can be, dear - for some.

Susanna: Well, then - it's the wrong word."

OR

"Dr. Wick: Quis hic locus?, quae regio?, quae mundi plaga? What world is this?... What kingdom?... What shores of what worlds? It's a very big question you're faced with, Susanna. The *choice* of your *life*. How much will you indulge in your flaws? What are your flaws? Are they flaws?... If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospital?... for life? Big questions, big decisions! Not surprising you profess carelessness about them."

                 After getting over the relief that I was never so bad I had to be admitted, I realized how much I have going for me. That, even if my life ended tomorrow, I would have lived a good life. I have traveled, I am loved. I am publishing a book, and am still not perfect. It's cheesy, but why live if you don't have things to look forward to? To work on and be able to stand back and congratulate yourself on a job well done once you are successful?

                 I often ask myself if there's something wrong with me. Why do I never finish goals I set for myself? Why am I still overweight? Why don't I have a boyfriend? A job? But I don't think these things make me crazy or not worth anything...I think it means I have a life to live; that there are things to work on and be thankful for.
                    Susanna Klaysen's face looks the way it does because her eyes have been opened to a new life, much like my own have been. I have gone from being a Girl, Interrupted to Girl, Envisioned. It's not fun most of the time, and I will never forget the battles. I'll continue to talk about them, whether you like it or not. I'm not here to please anyone's ears, and I'm used to being told that I talk too much or do not act the way I should. Maybe I'll mellow out in time, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll win a Pulitzer prize AND get admitted one day (I hope not, but stranger things have happened!). My point is, I'm grateful. For everything. I'm grateful for the struggle, and I'm grateful for the pain. It makes my the bright moments brighter, and the people in my life that much more precious.
                                              

 I'm glad Susanna got out...even if people thought it cheesy. 

We often go about our day being upset about something. Maybe someone hurt you, or you made a mistake that can't be fixed by anyone. News flash: You're not alone in that. Sorry that you're struggling, but you're not alone. Do me a favor and hold my hand. Let's jump off the Self-Pity Bandwagon together and ask: What I am grateful for?

Peace and Love, Friends!

Frustration and Fruition: A Study in Focus (Ooh, look! A Chicken!)

As a struggling author, I often wonder why I continue writing. I am constantly starting things and not finishing them. My work always starts off great then I usually lose interest or get frustrated, resulting in my laptop's Document folder becoming a graveyard of unfinished possibilities.

One of the biggest sources of personal pride for me is my finished novel, Out of the Eater. It took me five years to complete (I started it in high school as a junior and didn't complete it until I was a sophomore in college), but it's finished and now on it's way to being published. Every time I struggle with a project, I try and be patient with myself and remind myself that I have written a book. Sometimes that helps, other times it doesn't.

I am one of  those irritatingly impatient people. If something doesn't get done by a deadline I have set for myself, I just want to drag the file of the text I'm working on over to the Trash and be done with it forever. My therapist says I may have adult ADD, but I think I just need to apply myself.

In order to address these frustrations, I've looked up ways to help me focus. I've found everything from taking a Facebook break every twenty minutes, to doing a chore when your brain is starting to shut down (or in my case, bubble over from overload!). As I scoured the internet for studies (old habits from an ex-Psych major) and blog suggestions, I remembered an old junior high school science of mine, Mr. S. Mr. S was a very eccentric man, but also very imaginative and supportive of his students. He was the head of D:I at our school, and even defended my group from a crazed mother when she visited us after we kicked her daughter out for not pulling her weight. He made us listen to "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash over and over again (I can't remember why now...it was relevant at the time), and did a fill-in-the-blank bonus section on every test which were actually lyrics to "Galaxy Song" by Monty Python.

Yup, he was pretty awesome. Anyways, the reason I thought of Mr. S was because he required that we find a trinket of some sort (could be a rock, could be a tiny action figure) that we could study and take tests with. He actually docked points if you didn't have your trinket on your desk on test day!

This caused me to think: If contact with a physical object could help you focus, could a virtual item help with focusing as well?

I decided to test the theory with two different ideas. First with a photo, then with a song.

When choosing a photo, I tried to think of something that I would enjoy looking at, but that wouldn't be distracting. What made me relaxed? What colors were easy on the eyes? I decided on this photo of Benedict Cumberbatch in period dress:

Nice, right? Those who know me are rolling their eyes...bear with me, folks. The more I looked at the image, the more I realized how much I wanted it to come to fruition (Benedict, a non-believing man that I love and respect is preaching the Word to a group of people)...that was why I liked it so much. Also, the scenery and photo composition is absolutely beautiful. Unfortunately, despite the photo's aesthetic and what it represented to me, I quickly realized that the image was too large to focus on...too many details. So I cropped it to look like this:

Not only did this version help me see the details of Bene's costume, but it was easier to take in and have as a side-by-side with Word, like so:

I tried writing with this method for a few weeks, and it was very helpful. But then I realized I had been listening to music the whole time, and was kind of bummed because I realized that my "data" was now poisoned and would have to throw it out. Had I been thinking, I would've only used the image...no music.

A little disappointed but not put off, I started testing the music theory.

I started by building a playlist of no more than 10 songs. They didn't have a central theme other than the fact that I enjoyed them. There fast and slow songs, and they branched every genre from club/dance music to jazz and acoustic tunes.

FINDING: It didn't work. I was too distracted by the changing tempos and feels that the music selections conveyed. So, in a last ditch effort, I tried listening the same track over, and over, and over again. I attached a different song to each project I was working on, and tried my darnedest not to stray from them.

IT WORKED WONDERFULLY.

And the best thing about it was, some of them were the most random songs; they were completely unrelated to the feel of the work (most of the time), and I was so productive! I was writing and editing 6 or 7 pages a day, whereas prior to the experiment I would complete 2 or 3 at best! It wasn't a big change, but it was a significant one!

Just for kicks and giggles, here are a few of the songs I've used:

1. "Evacuate the Dance Floor" by Cascada (WARNING: Some inappropriate lyrics present):

2. "Young and Beautiful" Cover by Postmodern Jukebox:

3. "Sweet Pea" by Amos Lee:

4. "The Growl" by Conway:

Do you have any techniques that you swear by to help you focus? Let me know by putting them in a comment! Have a great day, guys!

But I Don't Want To!: A Lesson in the Discomfort of Grace

If you look up the definition of grace online, you get at least 4 different definitions. Grace can be a verb ("She graces our presence often"), a noun ("His smile was coupled with an undeniable grace"), an adjective ("They were very graceful dancers"), or an often misunderstood principle (defined as "cheap grace" in an article here by John MacArthur).

So what is grace? Well, it's all of the above, and MORE.

Everyone has been used and abused by people in life. EVERYONE. It's not fair, it hurts; it makes us angry, sad and sometimes causes us to desire revenge. Or, if you're anything like me, you just want to cut yourself off from whatever or whoever caused the pain and abuse.

I have had two events this this months (in the last two weeks, actually) that have left me hurt and clinging onto the Lord for his Peace and Strength:

1. The first event was an accident. I was babysitting for a family, and water was spilled all over my computer, rendering it useless. I explained to the parent that it had been an accident, but that I was gonna need a new computer. She was very apologetic, then asked me to look around for how much the cost of repairing it would be. I responded in kind, along with prices of what it would cost to get it repaired. Turned out that it would be cheaper to buy a new computer than get it repaired. I asked for $600. She came back very aggressively, telling me that I was "crazy if [I] thought [she] was just gonna write [me] a check for $600." She wanted to do her own checking, and I completely understood. We talked more on the phone, and I explained to her that I was not trying to deceive her (she had mentioned being taking advantage of in the past, which I kind of expected after seeing her reaction to me), but that my once functioning computer was now useless. It was an accident and very unfortunate, but these were the facts. She told me she would give me the price of what my computer would be worth if it was working. I despaired. How was I supposed to buy a new computer (and replace all my lost work) with the cost of a 5 year old computer? I knew then and there that I was out at least $600. Unemployed, with no money to replace a tool that I used almost exclusively to find work.

2.The second event was mostly unprofessional and disrespectful. I  was in contract negotiations for a new job. Having been jobless for almost 5 months now, I was over the moon but trying to keep my feelings out of it (I get my hopes up WAY too often and then I come plummeting into a depressive fog when things don't work out). We were about a week into negotiations, my terms had been met, and I emailed the family to thank them for being flexible with the pay (they came up $5/hr!); I was excited to work with them. All we needed to do was get together, sign the contracts, and get to work. I sent my last email on a Thursday. We had discussed finalizing things by Saturday and meeting for my first day (as well as signing the contract) on Monday. I never heard back from them. I emailed them, no response. I texted them, and they told me I would be hearing back from them soon...I never did. Monday came and went, and here we are on Thursday, still having heard nothing from them and honestly not expecting anything either.

Both of these events were pretty hard blows. I am now out a computer, and not even close to landing a job. In my last post I addressed my bouts with depression. These events definitely had the potential to do so. I cried...alot. I talked with my dad about everything, and expressed how I was feeling. Being the wonderful man that he is, he encouraged me to show grace to the people who had done me wrong. Being raised as a believer, I knew exactly what he meant. For those of you reading this who are not believers, let me explain you a thing ;)

Grace to the followers of Christ is a discipline. It's the idea of "loving your enemies" and "doing good to those who wrong you." It sucks. It is everything that you don't want to do when you've been wronged. It's more than the Golden Rule, it's about going beyond yourself and your desires...it's the ultimate gift. The gift that Jesus exemplified when He died for all us.

I wanted nothing more than to berate the people who used and abused me this month. I wanted to just stop and pull away from the family whose son accidentally ruined my computer; to call the family that stopped negotiations without a word and tell them how disrespectful they were in doing things the way they did.

And let's be honest: I have a right to be upset. I was used. I had been treated wrongly. But that's the point, isn't it?

In MacArthur's article, he sights many verses that serves as definitions of grace, but Luke 6:27-36 (NIV) was the clearest to me:

"27 "But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. 30Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.31 Do to others as you would have them do to you. 32 "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. 35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."

Pretty straight forward in theory, right? Sucky to actually have to act it out.

So how did I react to the two events?

Well, I very reluctantly (even though I knew it was the best and right thing to do in the situation) called the mother of the boy who ruined my computer and told her not to waste her time. My computer was not worth anything, and I had a computer that I could borrow (thanks, Dad!) until I could afford to buy a new one. I also told her that our working relationship was way more important to me than money (that was definitely the hardest part since I honestly didn't want to ever see her again). She gave me a check for $120 and I have worked for her since then. It was awkward the first time I saw her, but she was obviously impressed by the grace I showed her (even though she probably wouldn't call it that) and she even overpaid me to show her appreciation.

I never tried to contact the other family further.

At the end of the day, I know I acted in accordance to the Scriptures and how the Lord calls me as a believer to act. It was uncomfortable, but I fully trust my Heavenly Father, and I know that all these hard knocks are good things that are ultimately shaping me into a person that society can handle.

Just kidding.

Not really.

Peace and love to you all!

Musings from Mary Oliver

Hello, all! Welcome to my blog.

To those who know me, it is no surprise to hear that the past four months of my life have been incredibly difficult. I have battled depressive episodes, a lack of vision, and an overall feeling of loneliness. I have no doubt that I will be tempted to endure many of these seasons in life...science has proven that once you've experienced one bout of depression, it is very likely that you will again. And let's face it, we all know someone who is constantly plagued with these battles.

I refuse to be one of those people, though. I am slowly but surely scraping my way out of the Chasm of Misdirection and Loneliness. I am taking steps in the right direction. I am making my way to some sort of starting point. (Some would argue that I'm already at the starting point). I look forward to being able to look back on my 23rd year of living and saying, "Man, that was a painful time in my life. But you know what? I am so much stronger because of it." Sounds cheesy, yes, but it also incredibly relevant to anyone you meet...try and ask someone if you don't believe me.

So what does one do when they are feeling down? When they have cried their eyes out, or even worse, are so numb that they are unable to cry in the first place?

I myself am a big prayer, and I would encourage you to try it if you haven't before. To me, there is no relief like feeling the Lord's arms around my body. The cold breeze I always sense when I am deep in prayer, seeking the Lord and asking the Holy Spirit for his direction.

Poetry is also a grand way to gain some relief. I've always enjoyed reading poetry, but I never fully appreciated it's purpose and power until now.

Recently, a dear friend of mine handed me two books of poetry (whose titles escape me, I apologize) by Pulitzer Price-winning poet, Mary Oliver. Visible from the top of the books were fragments of neon-colored Post-It notes; my friend had selected poems that she felt would be encouraging to me (what an awesome friend, eh?). You will find these poems below. Most of them are just a few highlighted stanzas, but one of them, The Journey, is the full text.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

(final stanza)

Whoever you are, not matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh

and exciting--

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

Humpbacks by Mary Oliver

(final verse)

Listen, whatever it is you try

to do with your life, nothing will

ever dazzle you like the dreams 

of your body,

its spirit

longing to fly with the dead-weight bones

toss their dark mane and hurry

back into the fields of glittering fire

where everything,

even the great whale,

throbs with song.

The Journey by Mary Oliver

(full text)

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice-

though the whole house

began to tremble 

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though the melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds, 

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world, 

determined to do

the only thing you could do-

determined to save

the only life you could save.

I hope these encourage and inspire you as they did me. Thank you for reading this post. Not all of my updates will be this deep, but it's always good to hit the ground running, and I hope that this lifted your spirits.

Have an absolutely wonderful day.